Weird History
1.6k voters

Historical Figures You Would Swipe Right On

Updated December 6, 2019 11.9k votes 1.6k voters 63.8k views22 items

List RulesVote up the historical figures you would meet for drinks and possibly more.

Even for those who live in a big city, the local online dating pool can often be disappointing, but what would happen if one could open up that dating pool and include options from throughout human history?

Well, probably a lot of chaos and confusion, and a larger pool of bad choices. After all, there's no reason to believe that people are fundamentally worse now than they have ever been. Among all those bad choices, however, there might be a few gems. Of course, it's not all about including the most beautiful women and most handsome men in history. As anyone who's been on a disappointing date with a model knows, it takes more than good looks to have a good evening.

Also, tastes vary. If you're looking for a dangerous bad boy, you could do worse than Shaka Zulu. Abraham Lincoln may have been the president, but he's also the perfect date for someone seeking a sensitive, agonized soul. Want to have a guaranteed blast on your date and don't mind getting your hands dirty? Swipe right on Annie Oakley.

  • Photo: Unknown / Wikimedia Commons / Public Domain

    Age: 32

    Bio: I'm only on here for a social experiment in which I analyze the frequency of swipes relative to population density and check that against traditional metrics of sexual behavior in urban adult populations.

    Cost Of A Date: 0 (Because it won't happen.)

    Pros: There has never been another genius like Tesla, and it's difficult to imagine someone more fascinating to sit down with at dinner. In addition to his raw scientific genius, he's a sensitive and creative thinker. Well-mannered and kind, he seems fairly close to a perfect date.

    Cons: Unfortunately, he won't be going on a date with you or anyone else. Tesla always claimed that celibacy was a key part of his creative equilibrium and, so far as we know, never went on a date with anyone.

    • Age: Dec. at 86 (1856-1943)
    • Birthplace: Smiljan, Croatia
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  • Photo: Reginald Easton / Wikimedia Commons / Public Domain

    Age: 21

    Bio: What are your opinions on the rights of women in the 19th century? Which of Wordsworth's poems is your favorite? Do you believe that our increasing faith in scientific formulae is rendering us incapable of understanding our place in the world as a species? I eagerly await your detailed response, by handwritten letter please, to this first round of questions.

    Cost Of A Date: $$$$

    Pros: Mary was a genius not just for Frankenstein, which she wrote when she was 21, but for numerous other literary achievements. She was also an outspoken feminist thanks to her mother, Mary Wollstonecraft. It wasn't all genius and study, however, as she was also part of a bohemian movement of young people who knew how to cut loose and have a good time.

    Cons: Shelley was a delight, but you'd better be sure you're ready to hang with her friends. She was part of a circle of young, brash geniuses, including Percy Shelley and Lord Byron. These men were known to make sport of mocking anyone they thought was below their incredibly high level of intellect and talent.

    • Age: Dec. at 53 (1797-1851)
    • Birthplace: Somers Town, London, London, United Kingdom
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  • Photo: Leonardo da Vinci / Wikimedia Commons / Public Domain

    Age: 30

    Bio: "I love those who can smile in trouble, who can gather strength from distress, and grow brave by reflection. 'Tis the business of little minds to shrink, but they whose heart is firm, and whose conscience approves their conduct, will pursue their principles unto death." -Me

    Cost Of A Date: $$$

    Pros: Painter, scientist, engineer, anatomist, architect, composer, mathematician, botanist, astronomist, cartographer, draftsman, and inventor, da Vinci has one of those once-in-a-lifetime kind of brains. You'll never be bored around his voluminous intellect and endless fascinations. If he took you out to dinner, he'd probably rewrite the recipes and redesign the restaurant just for fun.

    Cons: Forget about quiet, relaxed evenings. Da Vinci had so many sparks firing, it's hard to imagine him just chilling on the couch watching The Bachelor with you. While his genius could no doubt be stimulating, it's also likely to become exhausting over time.

    • Age: Dec. at 67 (1452-1519)
    • Birthplace: Vinci, Italy
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  • Photo: Mattia Preti / Wikimedia Commons / Public Domain
    8

    Tomyris

    Age: 27

    Bio: My friends made me get this, I couldn't care less.

    Cost Of A Date: $

    Pros: The mighty warrior-queen Tomyris can list a truly remarkable accomplishment: She is likely the person who slayed Cyrus the Great. When Cyrus targeted the Massagetae Kingdom, it seemed unlikely the little pseudo-Scythian kingdom could stand up to him. However, Tomyris was a fearless and brilliant leader. Leadership and brilliance were inculcated in her from birth, so we can only assume she would bring those qualities on a date.

    Cons: Tomyris has bigger things to worry about than dating apps, so while you can swipe right all you want, it's unlikely you'll ever match. Even if you do, it's unlikely she'll ever respond. Even if she does, it's unlikely you'll ever go on a date. Even if you do, she'll probably just be sitting there, thinking about how best to defend her cities.

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