Weird History
1.6k voters

Historical Figures You Would Swipe Right On

Updated December 6, 2019 12k votes 1.6k voters 64.1k views22 items

List RulesVote up the historical figures you would meet for drinks and possibly more.

Even for those who live in a big city, the local online dating pool can often be disappointing, but what would happen if one could open up that dating pool and include options from throughout human history?

Well, probably a lot of chaos and confusion, and a larger pool of bad choices. After all, there's no reason to believe that people are fundamentally worse now than they have ever been. Among all those bad choices, however, there might be a few gems. Of course, it's not all about including the most beautiful women and most handsome men in history. As anyone who's been on a disappointing date with a model knows, it takes more than good looks to have a good evening.

Also, tastes vary. If you're looking for a dangerous bad boy, you could do worse than Shaka Zulu. Abraham Lincoln may have been the president, but he's also the perfect date for someone seeking a sensitive, agonized soul. Want to have a guaranteed blast on your date and don't mind getting your hands dirty? Swipe right on Annie Oakley.

  • Photo: Anonymous / Wikimedia Commons / Public Domain

    Age: 26

    Bio: To be honest, I've got some baggage. My ex-husband was vicious (he apprehended me on false charges and sentenced me to the guillotine), so forgive me if it takes a little while to trust again.

    Cost Of A Date: $$$

    Pros: When she took a position as a maid of honor for Catherine of Aragon, Anne was the envy of the court. She was young and strikingly beautiful, and had moral sensibility enough to reject even the king when he asked her to be his mistress. This even temper continued throughout the marriage, despite Henry's often monstrous behavior. It's fair to say that you're not likely to be a worse date than Henry VIII.

    Cons: Anne herself has very few cons, but she does have an unstable ex-husband with almost limitless power, who had no problem sentencing her to the guillotine. If he heard about your date, it's unlikely you would make it out alive.

    • Age: Dec. at 35 (1501-1536)
    • Birthplace: Hever, United Kingdom
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  • Photo: Pierre-Selim / Wikimedia Commons / CC BY-SA 3.0

    Age: 44

    Bio: Date me or don't date me. What is important is to be in harmony with what is and not to struggle against that which cannot be overcome. Rather, focus your mind on the world around you. Do not act as if you had 10,000 years to throw away. Doom stands at your elbow. Be good for something while you live and it is in your power.

    Cost Of A Date: $

    Pros: Getting over some relationship issues? Need someone with an even keel to recover and heal? There is no keel more even than Roman Emperor Marcus Aurelius, equally famous as an emperor and a stoic philosopher. His Meditations is an important philosophical text and outlines what makes him so dateable: He's a good man. Temperate, intelligent, and forgiving, Aurelius is a mature choice for someone who's sick of games.

    Cons : You can be sure of enjoying Aurelius's company, but you can't be sure that you'd get enough of him. The man is an emperor after all, and will likely be pulled away, sometimes mid-date, by affairs of state.

    • Age: Dec. at 58 (121-180)
    • Birthplace: Rome, Italy
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  • Photo: Alexander Gardner / Wikimedia Commons / Public Domain

    Age: 52

    Bio: These are dark and bloody days, and we are met on the great battlefield to secure the future of our nation. I must busy myself about the conduct of this great conflict for the soul of our nation, so something quick and low-key like drinks would be great.

    Cost Of A Date: $ for food, $$$$ for security detail.

    Pros: Kind, loyal, indefatigable, brilliant: There are so many superlatives to describe Lincoln. Written off as a hopelessly backward hayseed, Lincoln charmed Washington and forged a cabinet of rivals into an effective administration. He did this, in part with his fascinating stories and his uproarious jokes, so it's safe to say he'd be a lot of fun on a date.

    Cons: While he was famously not easy on the eyes, Lincoln's major problem was his enormous, undiagnosed depression. It shadowed him throughout his entire life and, during his tenure in the White House, it only got worse.

    • Age: Dec. at 56 (1809-1865)
    • Birthplace: Hodgenville, Kentucky, United States of America
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  • Photo: George Kendall Warren / Wikimedia Commons / Public Domain

    Age: 60

    Bio: Afford me the dignity granted to all of God's creations and we'll get along fine.

    Cost Of A Date: $

    Pros: Douglass, like all who escaped from enslavement in the South, was more than just a survivor. He was a fiery preacher, a penetrating moral thinker, a brilliant author, and a passionate advocate for the rights of women. His unique intellect and compassion combined to make him a person that anyone with a feeling for human dignity can admire.

    Cons: Most of us, unfortunately, can't live up to the high standard set by Douglass. After all, we're only human. So a date with the guy would no doubt be a blast, but it might leave you feeling a little inadequate when the check comes.

    • Birthplace: Maryland
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