Because there's nothing better for you to do at work today (besides play online poker), now seems like the perfect time to discuss how historical figures might fare in a WSOP tournament style. To get a little more specific, how the historical figures Bill & Ted collect in the movie Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure would fare in a poker tournament.
For those of you unfamiliar with Bill & Ted (how dare you), they are a couple of slackers who travel through time in a phone booth to assemble a dream team of historical figures to aid them in their final oral presentation for their history class. Along the way, they encounter some of the most important historical figures of all time and then unleash them into the unsuspecting city of San Dimas where they cause general havoc among the present-day citizens.
Why Bill & Ted, you may ask. Well, positing how historical figures would fare playing poker seemed like an awesome idea and the majority of people who seemed really cool to pit against each other were already acquainted through the Bill & Ted universe, hence the idea to put them all at a Texas Hold 'Em table and see what happened once the cards flew.For the sake of creating odds, some criteria we applied to the players, mainly that even though poker wasn't played in a modern-day style until the early 1800's in the U.S., that all the players would have a working knowledge of the game and some of the strategy involved. To be fair, the exact origins of the game are largely unknown with theories of its creation possibly traced to China c. 900 A.D. and to the French game "Poque" in the 15th century. Point is, all these competitors, for the sake of the poker tournament, would know how to play seven card Texas Hold 'Em.
Notable as: the father of modern psychiatry
- Can effortlessly read everyone at the table and will know when people are bluffing
- A man of science, he'll likely play the odds successfully
- Probably bluffs like a champ
- Seems like he'd engage in a lot of table talk. Rude?
- Do snooty, intellectual types really take time away from books and acts of derision to play a lot of poker?
- Might be conservative with betting and miss out on big pot opportunities
#2 on The Best Jewish Authors
Billy the Kid
Notable As: Gun slinger, outlaw, general bad ass
- Dude is from the Old West where poker was THE thing. Literally, poker the way it's played in its modern form was invented on the river boats of Louisiana and the bars of Old West towns like Deadwood and Tombstone
- He killed his first man when he was 15, so the other players might want to avoid being on his bad side by winning
- Probably excellent at cheating
- Professional killers can be hotheaded; might push in at the wrong time
- The literacy and education rate at the time was low, so he may not have full command of the odds
Notable as: the last man you'll ever tango with (he's the Grim Reaper)
- IF YOU BEAT HIM HE CAN KILL YOU
- He is apparently an awful game player when it comes to anything but chess. He loses to Bill & Ted at Battleship, Clue, Electronic Football, and Twister before finally conceding defeat
Odds: 30-1(note: yes, Death is not technically a historical figure, but come on, he's more interesting to have in the mix than the Princesses)
Notable as: one of the finest American Presidents of all time
- He was a great decision maker who wasn't afraid to take a chance on something he believed in
- Able to quickly and efficiently weigh the pros and cons of a hand (knows when to hold 'em, knows when to fold 'em)
- Had a commanding presence and a piercing stare that would greatly enhance his ability to bluff if not for the fact that...
- He was known as HONEST Abe. How can a guy known as Honest Abe possibly bluff? Or maybe that's just what he wants you to think...