Reasons Why Americans Hate Coldplay, Britain's Biggest Band

List Rules
Vote up the Coldplay facts that send a rush of blood to your head (in anger).

Asking Americans to agree on something is like asking the weather to stay consistent: It’s not going to happen. Unless of course you’re asking about Coldplay because many Americans do not like the band. For many, Coldplay is basically what would happen if the world’s most punchable face became a band.  They sucked in their home country of England, and they especially suck now that they’re in America, depleting our greatest natural resource: Beyonce. To find out why most Americans hate Coldplay, start scrolling through this list at the "Speed of Sound."

“Why do people hate Coldplay?” is a question often asked, likely by the members of Coldplay. “What did we ever do?” they inquire of one another. Luckily, this list answers that question with all sorts of reasons why people think Coldplay is lame. No matter how hard this snooze of a band tries to be cool — whether they’re hanging out with Jay-Z, or aping the likes of much cooler boring bands like Radiohead and Animal Collective — Coldplay just can’t seem to make anyone like them.

Vote up the biggest reasons that Americans hate Coldplay, and if a perfectly legitimate and valid argument about the worst band in the world isn't already here, further air your grievances in the comments section.


  • 1
    1,174 VOTES

    It’s A Basic Band For Basic People

    It’s A Basic Band For Basic People
    Photo: Chonita Lucas / Wikimedia Commons / CC-BY-SA 4.0

    Coldplay is like Urban Outfitters, pumpkin spice lattes, and a $60 plain black t-shirt from American Apparel: basic. If the depths of your emotions can be summed up with the lyrics from a song like "The Scientist," then you might be basic — which you can choose to embtrace, or not.

    1,174 votes
  • 2
    957 VOTES

    They're Too Self Congratulatroy

    They're Too Self Congratulatroy
    Photo: Alex Bikfalvi / Wikimedia Commons / CC-BY-SA 2.0

    If Coldplay is great at anything, it's talking themselves up to people who just do not care. For instance, take this track-by-track walk through of Viva La Vida, an album that has two claims to fame: being better than XY and being helmed by Brian Eno. The worst part of the interview is when Chris Martin says, "[Viva La Vidais one of our favorites, because none of us are doing anything on it that we’ve ever done before." Except, of course, playing in the same key they always play in, while singing insipip grade school lyrics.

    957 votes
  • 3
    1,022 VOTES

    The Lyrics Are Boring

    The Lyrics Are Boring
    Video: YouTube

    You know what gets us pumped? Super duper rock 'n' roll lyrics like: 
     

    And high up above or down below
    When you're too in love to let it go
    But if you never try you'll never know
    Just what you're worth

     

    Take a listen to the lyrics for "Viva La Vida." They sound like Chris Martin's high school English teacher asked him to write a poem about the Olympics.

    1,022 votes
  • 4
    816 VOTES

    Chris Martin Tries And Fails To Be Thom Yorke

    Chris Martin Tries And Fails To Be Thom Yorke
    Photo: Crystalspman / Wikimedia Commons / CC BY 2.0

    There's no one that Chris Martin wants to be more than Thom Yorke — it's just that he's about 15 years behind the Radiohead frontman. Martin doesn't just try (and fail) to make weird glitchy music like Thom Yorke, but he's also tried his hand at the same weird dancing that Yorke has taken to doing (evidence below):

     


    816 votes
  • 5
    724 VOTES

    They're Too Thirsty

    They're Too Thirsty
    Video: YouTube

    There's nothing worse than a band that wants you to like them so much they'll try anything to get you to buy an album.

    Here's the Coldplay thirsty checklist:
    1. Hang out with Jay-Z and Beyonce? Check!
    2. Release an album full of dance music at the height of EDM? Check!
    3. Admit to ripping off better bands in order to beat their detractors to the punch? Check!

    724 votes
  • 6
    721 VOTES

    Coldplay Is Like Every College Frat Band, But With A Stylist

    Coldplay Is Like Every College Frat Band, But With A Stylist
    Photo: Wonker / Wikimedia Commons / CC BY 2.0

    Not only is this arguably true, but it's also super upsetting. Think about it: If all Coldplay has to do to get famous is write bad poetry over three guitar chords, then that regular guy Gary who sits behind you in Psychology 101 is probably going to be the next Lenny Kravitz.

    721 votes