VOTE 16 Reasons xXx: Return of Xander Cage Was Totally Worth the Wait  

Jacob Shelton
126 votes 59 voters 1.1k views 16 items

List Rules Vote up the aspects of xXx: Return of Xander Cage you loved the most.

There’s never been a more important time for Xander Cage to make his return to the big screen. At the beginning of what could be the most disastrous time in American society, what audiences really need is a new xXx movie to remind them that all they need to truly be free is a giant fur coat and some X-treme stunts performed by a bald badass. First of all, if you’re worried about spoilers for xXx: Return of Xander Cage then you need to get thyself to a theater right now, because this movie is going to be spoiled for you the way that Xander Cage spoils the audience with his delightfully action-packed scenes and witty dialogue. So buckle up kids, it’s going to be a bumpy ride.

Is Return of Xander Cage amazing? That depends on how you feel about nearly constant kung-fu, gun battles, and what should have been a movie that was a forgotten part of the Cannon films library getting an $85 million dollar budget. If all of that sounds like a good idea to you, then rest assured you will love this movie. Like the best dumb action movies, everyone in this movie takes it seriously, especially Vin Diesel, and it’s pure joy to watch. So was the return of Xander Cage worth the wait? You’ll have to keep reading to find out. But, duh, yes. 

1 17 VOTES

The Movie Opens With A Classic Samuel L. Jackson Monologue


The Movie Opens With A Classic... is listed (or ranked) 1 on the list 16 Reasons xXx: Return of Xander Cage Was Totally Worth the Wait
Photo: Paramount Pictures

And, really, what else do you want from a movie that Samuel L. Jackson is contractually obligated to be in? It's not like he can just walk into movies where he's not featured and just start spinning a beautifully detailed yarn. What do you want from him? Also, he wears sunglasses where the lenses are different colors and that doesn't make any sense but it's very cool. 

17 0
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2 11 VOTES

There's So Much Tech That Makes Zero Sense


There's So Much Tech That ... is listed (or ranked) 2 on the list 16 Reasons xXx: Return of Xander Cage Was Totally Worth the Wait
Photo: Paramount Pictures

For some reason, every screenwriter that put their fingers to a keyboard after seeing a James Bond movie decided that their hero needed to have the dumbest tech to get them out of every situation and xXx: Return of Xander Cage is no exception. Aside from all the ridiculous computers and garbage on the NSA planes that make Star Trek look like the opening scene from 2001: A Space Odyssey, there are: 

  • Gloves that make you punch harder 
  • Game Boys that control satellites
  • Super powerful sets of body armor
  • Motorcycles that can also ski
  • A signal jammer that can pinpoint specific targets simply by being turned on
  • Invisible earbud technology
  • Heatvision everything

Was this movie ghostwritten by the crew of Regular Show? Because, if it was, bravo. 

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3 8 VOTES

Do You Like Weird Government Stuff?


Do You Like Weird Government S... is listed (or ranked) 3 on the list 16 Reasons xXx: Return of Xander Cage Was Totally Worth the Wait
Photo: Paramount Pictures

You know it. Xander Cage knows it. Everyone knows it. The government suxXx. Return of Xander Cage is full of so much confusing 10th-grade anti-government rhetoric that you'd think the writers' office was blaring Rage Against the Machine throughout the writing process. This movie has as much handle on what the government does as an episode of Weekend Update. Luckily, it's all kept to a minimum in favor of sweet half-pipe action. 

8 0
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4 6 VOTES

The Fur Coat Is Back!


The Fur Coat Is Back! is listed (or ranked) 4 on the list 16 Reasons xXx: Return of Xander Cage Was Totally Worth the Wait
Photo: Paramount Pictures

Oh yesh, the coat that got Asia Argento all hot and bothered while Xander Cage took down Anarchy 99 is back, and you better believe it does its job of turning on all the ladies. Look for 10-pound fur coats to come back in style within the year. 

6 0
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