Unspeakable Times

The Stupidest, Most Unbelievable Alibis Killers Have Ever Tried To Pull Off  

Laura Allan
25.3k views 12 items

When someone commits murder, they usually have an alibi in mind to cover it up. They'll claim they were elsewhere or plead insanity. Most of the time, the alibis are reasonable and usually good enough that the police have trouble seeing through them. But sometimes, killers say the dumbest things. These crazy alibis from murderers range from claiming an animal as an eye-witness to believe they were in The Matrix

While the United States of America may have one of the most advanced justice systems in the world, the fact that a few of these idiotic alibis actually worked is chilling. Take a look below for some of the most incredulous excuses that murderers have given for their ruthless, inhumane actions. 

Man Claims He Was Too Fat To Murder
Man Claims He Was Too Fa... is listed (or ranked) 1 on the list The Stupidest, Most Unbelievable Alibis Killers Have Ever Tried To Pull Off
Photo:  Top10Archive/YouTube

Edward Ates, a Florida man, was accused of shooting and killing his former son-in-law after a dispute in 2006. His lawyers argued that for Ates, at nearly 300 lbs and with problems moving, it was impossible to have committed the crime because he wasn't mobile enough. Seems like a pretty simple and reasonable defense.

The only problem with that was there was a lot of evidence to the contrary. Ates had military experience, had researched how to kill people only shortly before the murder, and that he'd had relatives lie in order to cover up his whereabouts. In the end, Ates was deemed simply not fat enough to use obesity as an alibi, and was convicted of murder.

Army Reserve Shoots Sergeant Because He Was On A Diet
Army Reserve Shoots Serg... is listed (or ranked) 2 on the list The Stupidest, Most Unbelievable Alibis Killers Have Ever Tried To Pull Off
Photo: DVIDSHUB/flickr/CC-BY 2.0

You can get a little loopy when you don't eat or drink enough, but one Army Reserve soldier in Atlanta took hangry to a whole new level. Staff Sgt. Rashad Valmont was refused vacation time in 2009, and the next year he decided to get revenge against his superior officer, Master Sgt. Pedro Mercado.

He shot Mercado six times, killing him, and then drove to a police station to turn himself in. His excuse? A crash diet. He'd been ordered to lose three percent of his body fat in one day, and he claimed the hunger and dehydration had driven him to insanity. He said he'd been so delirious that he didn't have control over his actions, and he didn't realize what he was really doing. However, the judge didn't buy it and he was sentenced to life in prison for his crimes. 

The Twinkie Defense: Junk-Food Diet Led A Man To Kill
The Twinkie Defense: Jun... is listed (or ranked) 3 on the list The Stupidest, Most Unbelievable Alibis Killers Have Ever Tried To Pull Off
Photo: Steve Rhodes/flickr/CC-BY-NC-ND 2.0

The murder of Harvey Milk and San Francisco Mayor George Moscone in 1978 was a terrible tragedy, and the outcome of the court case was equally horrible. Dan White shot both of the men to death, and was arrested and tried for murder. During the court case, White's lawyer argued that he wasn't at fault for his actions because he was depressed and had changed his diet to unhealthy junk food, such as Hostess cakes. Somehow, this actually worked and he was given eight years of jail time for involuntary manslaughter, rather than a murder charge. This gave his alibi the name, "the Twinkie defense." 

Contrary to popular belief, White's attorney didn't directly claim that Twinkies and junk food were the cause of the killing. However, he did say that they were an aid to the depression and diminished capacity of White.

Wealthy Killer Claims He Was Too Rich To Know Any Better
Wealthy Killer Claims He... is listed (or ranked) 4 on the list The Stupidest, Most Unbelievable Alibis Killers Have Ever Tried To Pull Off
Photo: jollyUK/flickr/CC-BY 2.0

Another case of a horrible alibi for murder comes from a young and wealthy Texas teen in 2013. Ethan Couch was having a party when he decided to drive to a store drunk with seven other teens, and didn't at all seem to care when other cars came his way. He played chicken with the vehicles and didn't even slow down when he came across a stalled SUV with people standing around it. He plowed into the group, killing four people and injuring many more. Couch fled the scene, but was quickly caught and brought to court.

During the trial, his lawyers legitimately claimed that it was not his fault he'd killed those people, because he was too well off and sheltered to know that what he was doing was wrong. They called this condition "affluenza," and the judge inexplicably bought the alibi! The prosecution wanted to put him in jail for twenty years, but the judge sentenced Couch to merely ten years of probation and time in a rehab facility.