films The Most Hilariously Abysmal Reviews for Pixels  

Jacob Shelton
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This weekend, Adam Sandler released his latest attempt at filmmaking with Pixels, a movie about a schlubby man-child who is tasked by the President (played by Kevin James) with saving the world from aliens who’ve taken on the form of classic video games. With that basic conceit out of the way, Sandler and company are left with over an hour and a half left to make lame jokes and insincere references to classic video games in an effort to snatch cash from the wallets of the people who actually love these games. If you’re noticing how worked up we get just thinking about Pixels, wait until you read pieces from the worst reviews of the movie that we’ve found online.

We don’t want to bag on Adam Sandler too much. He provided us with a treasure trove of comedy throughout the 90s, and he was stellar in Punch Drunk Love, but now that he’s hit the plateau of his career, it seems like doesn’t care about anything. The world of Pixels is built on the basis of Adam Sandler pretending to appreciate the culture that he’s ripping off. It’s a cheap form of cultural vandalism that preys on Generation X nostalgia. Who knew an Adam Sandler movie about classic arcade games would be the thing that turned us into nihilists? Hopefully these scathing reviews of Pixels don’t make things as dark for you.

If you saw Pixels and had a different opinion, let us know what you thought! But we have a feeling that
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No One Is Falling For Kevin James As President


No One Is Falling For Kevin Ja... is listed (or ranked) 1 on the list The Most Hilariously Abysmal Reviews for Pixels
Photo: via Twitter

“If only the movie in front of us actually fit that description, or truly conveyed the addictive pleasures of gaming, rather than serving up another barrage of witless one-liners, strained reaction shots and aggressively inane celebrity cameos. (Serena Williams, turning up randomly at a soiree: ‘They promise me an island if I did this.’) Really, the viewer would be better off spending 98 minutes browsing old 'Bomberman' walk-throughs on YouTube than trying to care what happens to Lt. Col. Violet Van Patten, a tough-talking weapons expert who supplies our heroes with pixel-blasting light cannons. Her real purpose, alas, is to carry on a cringe-inducing, chemistry-free flirtation with Sam when she’s not watching him fight from the sidelines.”

 From IGN, who's just callin' it like they see it. 

 
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We Would Totally Watch 2/3 Of That


We Would Totally Watch 2/3 Of ... is listed (or ranked) 2 on the list The Most Hilariously Abysmal Reviews for Pixels
Photo: via Reddit

“As executed, it’s like Contact meets Armageddon meets sticking knives into my eyes, but what’s most frustrating is that, philosophically, the concept is actually intriguing. There’s something about the idea of our own recycled pop culture coming back to do us in that feels timely and unique, a meta commentary on the sad state of reboots and ultra-franchised everything. But that would require some daring, or at least some basic situational awareness, and Pixels can't be bothered with either. Instead, it’s the kind of movie that’s emotionally tone-deaf enough to expect us to root for a hero that puts the moves on a recently split single mom while she’s drunk and crying (in her bedroom closet, no less), and this that leaving awkward empty pauses after random lines is the same thing as making a joke. And did I mention the gag about Q*bert peeing himself?”
 

Hide the kitchen knives over at The Verge HQ!

 
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Are There Really Enough Bomberman Walk-Throughs Online To Take Up 98 Minutes?


Are There Really Enough Bomber... is listed (or ranked) 3 on the list The Most Hilariously Abysmal Reviews for Pixels
Photo: via Pinterest

"Pixels is the button-masher of movies: brainless, obvious and only fun in short, five-minute bursts. When it’s not resorting to cheap, obvious jokes, this Happy Madison comedy coasts from set piece to set piece, hoping you don’t notice its one-note characters and ridiculous plot points. But again, this is a world where Kevin James is the President of the United States, so… judge accordingly.”


 Leave it to Variety to bring up the only/lamest game they could remember. 

 
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We Would Probably Watch Billy Madison VS Pac Man


We Would Probably Watch Billy ... is listed (or ranked) 4 on the list The Most Hilariously Abysmal Reviews for Pixels
Photo: via Imgur

“In the end though, even if the story was bad, music uneventful and characters underwritten, a charismatic lead might have been able to save the day. Hell, I’d even have been happy if Billy Madison, Happy Gilmore or The Waterboy was the star of this movie. Instead it’s plain old Adam Sandler, slogging through long dialogue sequences, negating any of the brief goodwill the film could have just stumbled into. This movie feels as though Sandler walked on set straight from his trailer, read his lines off a cue-card, then went back to sleep. At every turn, his indifference to the material is palpable. When Kevin James as the President of the United States is a welcome respite, you know a film is in trouble. And Pixels is so bad, it’s actually troubling.”


 If only Io9
had been on hand to lock Sandler in his trailer during one of those naps.